Script+for+Puppet+Show

Note: I would recommend copying the script into Word before printing (if you're going to print) as the wikispaces formatting might be janky.

(The scene emerges to a cacophony of sounds. It is the election of 1860.)

Seacrest: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to the 1860 Presidential Election, brought to you by Bud Light Lime**™ **, it's in the can! Please, hand me the envelope.

(Sockpuppet hands the envelope to Seacrest)

Seacrest: And the results are...

(5 second silence)

Seacrest: Abraham Judson Lincoln!

Typical Northerner: Woohoo! Winning!

Typical Southerner: What in tarnation!? Drat!

(Abraham Lincoln appears with a beaming smile on his face; Douglas appears on the verge of tears)

Lincoln: Brothers and Sisters, I would like to reassure you all that I am dedicated to the preservation of the Union and retaining the institution of slavery in the states. Also, F Yeah Witches!

Douglas (crying): No! He is going to abolish slavery, the fiend!

Lincoln: You're just mad that you lost, midget!

Douglas: It's not true, I'm actually 5'6''!

(Douglas runs away, crying)

Lincoln: Hopefully the South, known for their rationality, won't do anything rash.

(change in scene to Popeyes Chicken in Louisiana)

(Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee are in a Popeyes Chicken establishment, eating, planning for the South's future)

Lee: Gee, Jefferson, I really do enjoy this delicious Popeyes chicken (Love that Chicken from Popeyes) that you bought for me

Davis: It's delicious isn't it?

(Douglas bursts into the restaurant, still crying)

Douglas: Lincoln (sob) won!

Davis: What?! But literally not a single person from the South voted for him!

Lee: You idiots! You, Stephen, and Breckenridge split the vote! Lincoln got a majority in the electoral college because of you buffoons.

Douglas: I'm (sob) sorry

Davis: There's nothing we can do now. I guess we're just going to have to secede

Douglas: Secession? But isn't that a little extreme?

(Lee kills Douglas)

Davis: Extreme? Fool, there is clearly nothing else we can do. The institution of slavery must survive! Lee, make an army!

Lee: Ok

(Lee runs off and makes an army)

Typical Southerner: Hooray for the South! Hooray for slavery (even though I don't have any slaves)!

Lee: Muahahahaha! This secession, sponsored by Swiffer Wet Jet, will give a whole new meaning to the word 'war.'

(scene change back to the North. Lincoln has just heard news of secession)

Typical Northerner: Mr. President, those rapscallions from the South are rebelling. Whatever should we do?

Lincoln: What?! I clearly stated that I wasn't going to be abolishing slavery. Are they stupid? Mobilize the army

Typical Northerner: Yes sir, for the union!

(fade to black)